# Chains #
# My baby's got me locked up in chains #
# That you can see-ee-ee #
# Whoa, oh #
# These chains of love got a hold on me #
# Yeah #
# Chains #
# Well I can't break away from these chains #
# I can't run around #
# Cause I'm not free #
# Whoa, oh #
# These chains of love #
# Won't let me be Yeah #
# Now believe me when I tell you #
# I think you're fine #
# I'd like to love you #
# But darling I'm imprisoned by these #
# Chains #
# My baby's got me locked up in chains #
# And they ain't the kind #
# That you can see-ee-ee #
# Whoa, oh These chains of love #
# Got a hold on me Yeah. #
( typing )
Boy: Call me Sam.
I am a writer of literature.
I started writing the day my grandfather
sent my mom and me into exile.
A day when most human beings would wallow in self-pity.
I chose this moment to honor my calling.
So this is my story.
And unlike other writers of literature,
I won't skip the good parts.
Samuel...
Daddy, don't pull the plantation master act with Sam,
he's innocent.
Nothing you touch is innocent.
One more mistake...
and the boy goes to the Custer Military Academy.
Are those implications clear?
Oh yes, "Your daddyship."
Sam, come.
Bring your cards.
Sam: Caspar claimed we were being exiled for our own good.
What a load of crap.
The truth is he was planning to run for Governor,
and the thought of Lydia on the loose
scared the wadding out of him.
You know why I'm sending you and your mom to Wyoming?
Because Lydia messed up again?
You know there comes a time
when you have to set aside all childish things.
- But-- - Don't "but" Grandpa.
Go ahead. Throw them in.
I had a good mind to go to Wyoming and croak.
Then he'd really be sorry.
Good boy. Good boy.
Sam Callahan lay close to death.
In a cruel twist of fate,
giving him comfort was the most beautiful nurse he had ever seen.
I'm sorry. He's not going to make it.
Sam, I'm sorry that I shipped you and your mom out
into the wilderness when you needed to be home most of all.
Could you forgive me before you die, Sam?
Lydia: Hold on, sugar-booger.
( gasp )
What'd you do to hack Caspar off so much?
Not a thing.
Not one iota of misconduct.
He told me about the Cuban and the strip show on the sailboat.
This one's so bad, you can't tell me about it?
Just think what I'm liable to imagine.
I'm as innocent as snow.
When Horace Greeley said, "Go west young man,"
I don't think this is what he had in mind.
Lydia drove 2000 miles with the top down.
She had no concept of altitude or temperature,
and, couldn't read a map so I navigated.
We'd made an oath,
that Grandpa would never separate us.
So as we drove further and further from home,
it felt like we were orphans together
and the first southerners ever lost in Wyoming.
Hey sissy boy,
this one's for you, honey.
Sharp move, pin-head.
( school bell ringing )
P.A.: Attention students, and faculty:
the pep rally for Friday's football game
will be after second period.
At 2:00pm today, we will conduct our A-bomb drill.
Remember students, duck and cover.
Teacher: Hi.
- I'm Howard Stebbins. - Sam Callahan.
Okay gang,
open Huckleberry Finn to page 47
and go on to Twain's brilliant use of Negro dialect.
Brilliant, my eye. No one talks like that.
Well why do you suppose Twain wrote in dialect,
if no one talks like that?
He wanted Huck to seem stupid, and Jim even stupider.
I've heard southern accents on TV and no one talks like that.
Huck is from Missouri which isn't the South.
Woop-de-doo.
We know that Mark Twain was one of the great proponents
of equal rights for all.
Now we appreciate that here in the Equality State.
Well, yeah, but Twain hated Jews.
Are you Jewish?
No.
Well how do you know he hated Jews?
I can read.
How can you say that when you hate Negroes?
I don't hate Negroes!
Teacher: You're from the South.
Everyone in the South hates Negroes.
You can't deny it.
( laughter )
We can't stay here, Mom.
Our relationship is based on mutual respect, Sam.
You must never fling in my face the fact that I'm a mother.
These kids are Nazis, Lydia.
It's like the school was spawned by the mating of first cousins.
Well I bet that's why none of the men here have chins.
Even the teacher is a first degree ignoramus.
That goes. I won't have the dead passing for art.
Only Caspar would pick a house that has that.
I made a decision about this banishment deal.
Should I be told?
The way I conducted our life back in Carolina didn't work.
I'll say.
So...
I'm calling a time out.
No more connections for a while.
As of this moment,
I'm declaring myself an emotional catatonic.
Well, how's a catatonic supposed to raise a kid?
We'll negotiate an arrangement.
Now stand up straight. A gal is judged by her posture.
Why do I have to go?
Because our new neighbors are Southern, and
what would they think if we didn't go out of our way
- to make them feel at home. - But, the kid's a squirrel.
Gentlewomen do not compare people to animals, dear.
What?
Welcome Wagon.
Hi. I'm Laurabel Pierce.
This is my daughter, Maurey,
and we'd like to welcome you to Gro Vont,
the friendliest little town in Wyoming.
How quaint.
Look Sammy, it's the Welcome Wagon.
Hi.
Now what have we here?
This is a survival kit. For moving into the new house?
That's for you.
Chicken pot pie?
The good kind with bottom crust.
Maurey's dad can't abide pot pie without good bottom crust.
"Quick Meals for the Harried Housewife."
Every recipe starts with a can of cream of mushroom soup.
Well, fuck me silly.
Do I look like a housewife to you?
No.
Well, we just wanted you to feel at home in Gro Vont.
Sam and I won't be here long enough to mingle with the natives.
- There she is. - Dot!
Keep your pants zipped, Jack. I'll be with you when I'm with you.
Her name is Dot.
She should sue her parents.
What kind of woman would name a child "Dot"?
So, you're the folks renting Doc Whartle's place.
The guys each paid me a dollar to find out if you're single.
Tell the guys I have five husbands,
each one rich, mean and jealous.
I'll be rotating them through on a weekly basis.
That line will be all over the valley by breakfast.
Just tell them I own a rifle.
So, what happened in the seventh grade today?
- You really wanna hear? - If I don't want to hear,
Caspar will send you to the Custer Military Academy
and we wouldn't want that, would we?
In social studies, Miss Sheets taught us how to write a check.
You've been writing checks since you were six.
And, I think I'm in love with Maurey Pierce.
That's nice.
How do you know you're in love?
'Cause I can't stand her.
Well that's always a good sign.
She hates my guts. Called me pin-head.
Sounds like love to me.
You gotta eat that fast, that gravy is turning into axle grease.
You know why I like you more than the other boys?
Because we're the only two kids in seventh grade who can read?
No silly.
Because you're so handsome.
( blues vocals begins ) # After you're gone #
# And left me cryin' #
# After you've gone #
# There's no denyin' #
# You'll feel blue #
# You'll feel sad #
# You'll miss the sweetest gal you ever had. #
( glass breaking )
You're licking the mirror.
I'm making contact.
With who?
Myself.
Sam... You ever had a stiffie?
Mom!
I just realized...
it's been years since I saw your little weenie.
You were so cute when you were a baby.
We had this black speckled basin I used to wash you in
and you would always pee straight up.
Mom, I hate when you talk about cute naked stuff
I did when I was little.
Mom...
I didn't let myself go.
( laughing )
You know when Gulliver traveled to the land of Yahoos
he must have come here.
I think he just insulted you, LaNell.
I don't care.
What kind of show-off studies on the bus anyways?
This isn't a school book, this is literature.
Litter tour, litter tour!
What literature?
It's a classic coming of age story portraying one woman's
poignant experiences with life, love, and sex.
What do you know about sex?
After I finish this book, I'll know a lot more than you.
Not that knowing more about sex than you do is a challenge.
( giggling )
( quietly praying )
Have you been saved?
From what?
You'll go to hell unless you finish that.
If a person goes to hell for not finishing a tuna croquette
I think I lost my salvation a long time ago.
- You coming? - Yeah, sure.
How's it going, Sam?
Couldn't be better, sir.
I don't know if you've heard, but we're mighty proud
of our football team here at Gro Vont High.
How'd you like to sign up?
I'd like to, but my mom needs me at home.
She hasn't adjusted to the lack of humidity yet.
It takes 22 players to hold the practice, and I've only got 21
and half of them still suck their mama's tit at night.
Well, I no longer nurse, sir.
Let me explain to you,
the difference between an "A" and an "F" in English.
Me coming out for football?
Now that's the old school spirit.
Jump to the left, jump to the right,
sit down, stand up, fight, fight, fight!
Coach: Boys, let's have a little game of smear the queer with the ball.
Hey Sammy,
why don't you tell us how your mama's hooters feel?
About the same as your sister's.
I ain't got a sister, stupid.
( quarterback calling plays )
( grunting )
Dothan got him good.
- You think he's hurt? - No...
he's just playing possum.
Sissy boy! Come on get up.
Come on, Sam. Get up!
TV: Coverage continues on the assassination
of President John F. Kennedy.
At 12:35 Central Standard Time, President Kennedy was shot
as his motorcade passed through downtown Dallas.
Governor Connelly was also shot.
Thousands of mourners gathered at Parkland Memorial Hospital
to mourn the passing of our...
( sobbing )
They killed President Kennedy.
Are you sure?
It's on the news.
Well, who killed him?
Texans.
Y'all cryin' over the nigger lover?
Shut up, Dothan!
You know what all the coons are getting for Christmas this year?
A Jack-in-the-box.
I never knew you cared.
What are you doin' boy?
Tryin' to take up for your girlfriend?
What the hell is your problem, boy?
They started it, coach!
Lay off!
Little bastard's liable to hurt somebody!
The President is dead and he was celebrating.
Let's get out of here.
Where?
We can watch the news at my house.
You think they'll miss us?
All the rules are off today, Sam.
Nothin' we do matters.
I guess it all depends on your perspective.
As the rest of the country was mourning their great loss,
things were actually starting to look up for me.
What do you bet Mom's heard of the assassination,
but it's had no effect on her at all?
She'll be baking cookies and waxing the kitchen floor.
My mom's never baked a cookie in her life.
Come on.
You're home early.
They let us out on account of the assassination.
Isn't it a shame about Mr. Kennedy?
I wonder of they'll let Petey out early too this afternoon?
I'll just finish these up and then I'll make us some hot cocoa.
This isn't the time for hot cocoa, Mom.
It's always the time for cocoa.
( heavy sigh )
The whole world's gone straight to hell in a handbasket.
I had to come down here because my television is out of order.
What about you?
I don't have a TV.
It's been years since I met anyone who didn't own a television.
You must not meet many Indians.
You're an Indian?
Blackfeet.
My daddy can't stand Indians.
- Maurey: I wish my dad was here. - Sam: Where is he?
We have a horse ranch 10 miles up in the mountains...
and he has to feed every day. He stays there most of the winter.
- What's your dad do? - I don't have a father.
Did he die?
Lydia won't tell me anything about him.
When she's drunk, she claims virgin birth like Mary and Jesus.
I'd like to see my mom drunk.
It's not that neat.
She has these pictures of five guys
in old football uniforms in her panty box.
Her panty box?
I figure one of them might be my dad.
What were you doing in your mother's panty box?
One of the guys is a Negro.
Boy: Mom, I'm home.
Hey, we're watchin' that!
This stinks.
Mom, Maurey won't let me watch Rocky.
You know he watches Rocky every afternoon.
What's the matter with you?
Look, brat--
The President of our country is dead.
Some things are more important than Rocky the flying squirrel.
Daddy!
Hey, how's my favorite girl?
Hi.
Lydia, there's an Indian in our kitchen.
Oh, that's Hank. He's Blackfoot...
or feet. I get it mixed up.
Hank knows loads of nifty stuff about the forest.
You went into the forest?
Oh it was a hoot, Sam.
I tried something new.
- How about that? - How about that.
You didn't expect me to stay on this couch forever, did you?
So what's Hank doing in our kitchen?
He's fixin' supper.
Some staple he said got his tribe through hard winters.
Caspar is gonna pass a brick.
Oh, isn't it wonderful?
Hank, honey, what's that Indian thing you're making?
Macaroni and cheese.
( roaring )
Welcome Wagon.
Ugh!
Geez.
Yuck.
Explain this.
Sammy?
Lydia, I think there's something wrong with me.
I must be sick or something.
You blew your nose in your sock?
This didn't come from my nose.
You masturbated?
I woke up with this stuff all over me.
Were you dreaming right before you woke up?
Was there a girl in your dream?
Did you recognize her?
She kissed me and I felt funny.
You had a wet dream, honey bunny.
Boys have them all the time.
Well, do something with it.
Things like this don't happen to boys with fathers.
So crucify me.
Every kid in Wyoming probably knows what a wet dream is,
and they're laughing at me right now, calling me a squirrel.
Poor Sammy.
You just moved a step closer to being a grown up.
I couldn't wait to tell Maurey what I had learned.
I explained the whole process to her,
except the part where her mom triggered the mess on my belly.
How much goo came out? A cup? A quart?
- Not a quart. - How much then?
It was all spread out.
About 1/3 cup.
I'll lose my virginity someday...
and when I do I don't want to come off ignorant.
I want to know what's going on every second.
( humming )
Don't you kids know that coffee will stunt your growth?
Dot, do you and your husband have sex?
Why Maurey Pierce,
I should wash your mouth out with soap.
I didn't say a dirty word.
You did so.
"Sex" is a dirty word?
We don't talk about that word in mixed gender company.
I'll be outside.
While Maurey was getting the low down from Dot,
I turned to my dream girl.
I had so many questions.
I needed someone I could talk to,
someone who would be willing to explore the secrets of love.
I needed a professional.
My mom won't be home for another 20 minutes.
Do you want to do me again?
I don't know, that will be, what,
five times since school let out this afternoon?
Sam, it's not romantic to keep score.
So what did she say?
She said sex is a wonderful and special experience
that can only be done right when two people are in love.
Grownups are so full of bull.
( country music )
Man: Put it in the corner pocket.
Geronimo!
Whoo! Yippee!
Daddy wants to run for Governor or something...
and he thinks having an illegitimate grandson under foot
would cause embarrassment.
That's why Sammy and I have been banished to the hinterlands.
I was given a choice between Sam goes...
or we both go.
We got politicians in my family, too.
They're worse than cow dogs.
( coyote howling )
Now, this doesn't mean that we're going steady.
Yeah.
I mean, we're not even dating.
You got that?
This is strictly... strictly a one night stand.
No commitments, huh?
I don't want to feel.
Got that?
( honks car horn )
( telephone ringing )
Hello.
Idle hands are the devil's playground.
- Grandpa? - Excellent.
Hand the phone to your mother.
Lydia?
Geez, Lydia.
Grandpa, Lydia isn't here right now.
Well, where is she?
She went for a job interview at the Mormon Church...
secretary or something.
Your mother will never work a day in her life.
Lydia's turned over a new leaf.
Must be the fresh air or something.
She's changed. She's responsible now.
I control the cash flow.
I respect that, sir.
Tell her she dumps the Indian
or faces the wrath of Almighty God.
That would be you?
( dial tone )
( knocking on door )
Hi Sam.
Your mom and the other drunks rented a hotel room
in Deboise after the bars closed last night.
They're having a party.
My cousin Delores is there. Delores' husband told her mom
in hopes of getting Delores dragged out.
But, it didn't work.
Well, I'm making coffee. You want some?
I want to explain the rules before we do this.
Do what?
Make sex. Why else would I be here?
We're going to perform sex, now?
After coffee.
It's time you and I find out what the big deal is with this sex thing.
Do you think Lydia might come home today?
Doubtful.
You think you can get a stiffie?
I don't know, they come and go on their own.
I haven't learned how to control them yet.
Maybe it will happen naturally.
Well I heard something about putting it in the girl's mouth.
Ugh-- I'm not doing anything that might make me throw up.
We're both virgins.
I never said I was a virgin.
We're both virgins.
But someday we're gonna find ourselves doing it for real.
So, today's sex isn't real?
We're just friends helping each other learn a new skill.
This is practice.
Will we still be virgins afterwards?
That's part of what we're gonna learn--
where the line between virginity and non-virginity is.
Here's rule number one-- you better not squirt.
And, no kissing.
Kissing is mushy, emotional stuff.
We can't do this if you're gonna get mushy.
I promise. No mush.
Sam: I wish we didn't have to be naked.
That's a big part of doing it.
Go on.
You first.
Geez, Louise.
Your turn.
Well this is as far as I've dreamed.
I'm ready to quit.
Sam.
I thought you'd be bigger.
Well it swells up when it gets stiff.
A horse's woodie is as big as its leg.
I don't think it's fair to compare people to horses.
This doesn't look possible.
Horses do it with the stallion standing up behind the mare.
Forget horses, okay?
You got a better idea?
Maybe if I stand on a chair.
My books don't say anything about the girl standing on chairs.
Books skip this part and go right on to how wonderful it was.
Maybe if we kiss?
I told you no kissing.
Maybe if you touch it with your hand?
Okay, but don't look.
That's my belly-button, Sam.
( sounds of the jungle )
Sam!
Huh?
This is no where near 1/3 of a cup.
Ugh!
Did we lose our virginities yet?
I sure as hell didn't.
Lydia: Dibs on the can!
The hell with that!
Ah, crap it all anyway.
Maurey: Sam, meet my cousin Delores.
Delores: Howdy.
Maurey, I won't tell Laurabel that I saw you here
if you don't tell her that you saw me.
What's in the bottle?
Turpenhydrate and codeine.
It's really good for when you want to stop drinking.
You're turn.
Hi Mom.
- Who? - Hi Lydia.
This is my friend Maurey from school.
Oh, Welcome Wagon.
My mom made me come.
She thinks she's Betty Crocker.
Never be embarrassed by your mother.
Sam's embarrassed of me and look how he turned out.
Delores: Had to whiz like a race horse.
Swear to God you do not buy codeine cough syrup,
you rent it.
What have you kids been up to all morning?
Gin rummy. I owe Maurey $3.50.
No, we weren't.
We were trying to have sex, only we couldn't do it.
Why are you trying to have sex?
I wanna know what it feels like before I hit puberty
and have do it for real.
And, I figured Sam would be more popular
if he knew how to please girls.
He hasn't been all that popular so far.
What's the matter, honey? Having a problem keeping your weenie up?
It stood up, but we couldn't figure out where he should go in from.
And then, he squirted.
Your turn.
You and your mama have little chats like this?
My mother thinks I'm sweet 14 and never been kissed.
I knew where to go in, I think, but it wouldn't go.
I must be too big.
( laughing )
Nobody is too big.
Were you getting excited?
Excited?
Yeah. Excited is when you're wet.
Nice and wet.
Down there.
Should I have used water?
Water doesn't quite cut it.
Foreplay is the only proper way a gentleman excites a lady.
What's foreplay?
You know, it's when a man squeezes your boobs
and whispers real dirty in your ears.
Delores!
Lydia.
I wish my mother had talked to me about those things.
All right.
If you kids are gonna do this you might as well do it right.
Oh no.
Now, Maurey looks something like that, right?
Well, my eyes were closed.
What you want to do is go in down here.
One of you has to grab it and angle it right
because it will take years before it slides in on its own.
Years.
Lydia: Now, two things.
Go ahead and play your little boy-girl games
but the first sign of a period in Maurey, and the game stops.
What's a period?
Number two...
a matter of form--
you don't talk like this in front of adults.
At your age, sex is something you run around and hide.
Why?
Society would fall apart if people were honest about screwing.
Sam, let's go to your room and read comic books.
Yeah. Yeah. Comic books sound fun.
Oh, I did a bad thing.
No.
10 letter word for "lampoon."
"Satirize."
It's too short.
Will you explain to me about women.
Women are right and men are wrong and that's all you need to know.
I mean about liking.
Now that Maurey and I have done it, will she like me?
Maurey will always have a warm spot in her heart
whenever she thinks about you.
But she says we're just friends.
You're lucky.
You can have the fun of love without the heartbreak.
What if I like her and get my heart broke anyway?
Then you're a sucker. Here's the deal, Sam.
If you sleep with a girl and afterwards she likes you as a friend,
then she'll always like you as a friend and never as a lover
and there ain't nothin' in this world you can do about it.
Hank: Are you afraid to admit the other night meant something?
What happened is what I like most, sex without consequences.
Hey Mom, I'm home.
Hank: If I'm stupid, I go to jail. If you're stupid,
you get shipped off to live with the commoners for a few months.
The worst thing that could possibly happen to you
is you might lose your trust fund.
I'm not gonna spend my life
waiting for free cheese at the county extension office.
Got rid of another one.
Go screw your little girlfriend and leave me alone.
We're going on a double date to the Saturday matinee.
You and me and another couple?
No, me and Dothan and you and Chuckette Morris.
But Dothan's our mortal enemy.
He's your mortal enemy. He's my boyfriend.
But Dothan cheered when John Kennedy died.
He said "Nigger."
He's just repeating crap his jerk racist dad spews at home.
He didn't know any better.
He rubbed our faces in the dirt.
- And he apologized. - Well, not to me.
Dothan was jealous when he saw us sitting together.
He's liked me since the fifth grade.
- Well do you like him? - That's not the point.
Dothan has a learner's permit and a car.
We can double with you and Chuckette.
I can't stand Chuckette Morris.
But she likes you.
This is your big chance to get a date.
Hurry up, Sam. Mom will be home soon.
( swinging 60's music )
Are you gonna kiss me or not?
You'll have to take out your gum.
But I just bought it.
Suit yourself.
Gosh, I didn't know when I moved here if I'd fit in but,
you kids are really great!
Okay, you win.
Ow!
You bit my tongue!
Get her, Sammy.
That was disgusting.
It was a kiss.
With your wet gross tongue hanging out?
Is that how boys back East kiss?
That's how everybody kisses, Charlotte.
That's not how the Nazarene's do it.
Daddy said boys would try to get me passionate
so they could make me pregnant
and ruin my life and trick me into going to hell.
You don't sound passionate.
I wasn't ready that time.
Let's try again.
You're home, Sam.
Do you want to come in? Lydia got some new records.
No thanks, I'll just have Dothan take me on home.
You sure?
Get out of the car, Sam.
I'll be fine.
You'll be okay?
What do you think I'm gonna do to her for Christ's sakes?
Go on, Sam.
Boy: Thattaboy, Sam.
I see Don Juan has decided to grace us with his presence.
# Here comes the bride #
# All dressed in white #
# Da-da-da-da da-da-da-da #
Hey, what's with the Don Juan crack?
So you slipped the tongue to Chuckette?
She said, "Kiss me," and I kissed her.
She claims you were smack-dab passionate.
Where'd you learn to kiss, anyway?
Just watching Lydia and her boyfriends.
If Mom lets me out, I'll be over after Dick Van Dyke.
Maybe we could try kissing this time.
Do you practice sex with Dothan?
Of course not, silly...
he's my boyfriend.
Good morning, darling.
I like a boy who goes through the line with me and carries my tray.
It's all right this time,
but your manners will have to improve since we're going steady.
- Who said we're going steady? - Well, everyone.
They know what you did to me at the picture show.
There's more to a commitment than biting someone's tongue.
Well that behavior may pass back East,
but here in Wyoming, we're moral.
That reminds me, you have to give me your jacket.
What?!
It'll be a letter jacket next year, we'll make do for now.
Charlotte, it's freezing outside.
What better way to prove your love for me
than to sacrifice your jacket for my own comfort?
I don't want to prove my love.
They'll think you took advantage of me.
They'll say I'm cheap.
Dothan: Come on darlin', let's go.
Jesus.
Hank's truck out front was a good sign.
The pipes had been frozen when I left for school,
which put Lydia in an even nastier mood
than she had been in since their fight.
I figured they were upstairs having a makeup orgy.
I was glad for them.
They really seemed to like each other.
But after all, your mom is your mom
and I hoped they'd hear me and stop.
I wasn't in the mood to hear moans and groans from my own mother.
Mom?
Mom!
Mom.
Lydia?
Hi, honey bunny.
Hi, Lydia.
Hank crawled under the house with a torch
and thawed the pipes. Wasn't that nice of him?
Give us a sip.
Oh, there's a letter from Caspar on the kitchen table.
Yeah, what's Grandpa got to say?
Oh, the usual threats.
Nothing for you to worry about.
We're living so clean and wholesome here in Wyoming
even Caspar can't touch us.
Ta-da!
- I didn't have time to wrap it. - What else were you doing?
Now you can listen to your stupid baseball games all night.
Thanks, Mom.
- Sam... - I mean, "Thanks, Lydia."
Yuck.
Yuck!
My present's out in the back.
So, we gonna keep him?
Don't be ridiculous, he's not a sweater.
Well, I never said he was.
Besides, we won't be here that long.
Happy Christmas.
What's that?
By tradition, it ought to be a horse.
But, I wasn't sure you wanted one.
Sam helped me choose it.
I told him you'd never get on it, not in a million years.
You got that right.
Yep. I said Caspar won't let you ride a bike.
Whoo!
Come on, Sam.
Hank: I'll give you five bucks if you can knock my cowboy hat off.
See, I can ride with no hands.
Don't run me over.
- Whoa! - Aghh!
I should have got her that damn horse.
Hank: Catch her.
Lydia: This ain't so hard.
Maurey: Come on. Hurry Up.
Hank: Get back here, Lydia.
# Something tells me I'm into something good #
# Something tells me I'm into something... #
Time out.
Maurey doesn't love me, Sam.
She loves you.
You can have her.
Well, that's awfully sporting of you.
No sweat.
I'm in love with another.
# When he walked me home and he held my hand #
# Knew it wouldn't be just a one night stand #
# He asked to see me next week and I told him he could #
# He asked to see me and I told him he could #
# Something tells me I'm into something good #
# Oh, yeah #
# Something good. #
Is Lydia here?
Yeah, we're going on a picnic. You want to come?
Is Lydia coming?
Well, yeah.
Lydia: Hank promised we'd see a magnificent view of the lake.
He'd better not be lyin'.
Hey, look.
In nature, a person can be idealistic.
You can believe in things.
Like what?
Like beauty,
the nobility of humans.
People in the cities cannot believe in nobility
because they see no sign of it.
I just love it when he talks like Chief Joseph.
How can you tell if you're pregnant?
The game was supposed to end when you got your first period.
I haven't had a period yet.
What's a period?
I hardly know what being pregnant feels like myself.
I was only with child once and I wasn't much older than you.
I'm just a kid-- I can't have a baby.
See, that's what I thought.
You didn't call me this weekend.
I don't know why I go steady with you.
You're supposed to call me at least once a day.
Sharon's boyfriend calls her house a dozen times a day,
lets the phone ring once and then hangs up...
to let her know he still loves her.
And this morning, you didn't even notice my new skirt.
I was so appalled. Even Rodney made a compliment.
Did I get anything from you? No!
It hurts.
I'm trying to look nice for you. You are my boyfriend.
If this relationship doesn't start to come to my end of it,
then I'm afraid this will not work out.
Are you okay?
What do you think?
Well if you're pregnant, I'll marry you.
Sam, I can't marry you.
Why not?
I'm 14 years old.
Lydia: It's not gonna be that bad, honey.
Oh shhh.
Wait second.
We can rent an apartment. I'll get a job.
Oh Sam, don't be a squirrel.
Are you coming or not?
Yeah.
Good. You navigate.
Nobody asked me what I wanted to do about the baby.
No. No one's going to either.
Lydia: Delores says this is a nasty town.
She doesn't mean nasty in a nice way.
I've got to be home before Mom gets back from Idaho Falls.
Let's do it then.
Are you all right?
They're ready for you.
This is the shits.
You're gonna be okay.
I know.
Woman: Right this way, sweetheart.
They all know why we're here.
Sam, stop fidgeting.
I'm gonna go wait in the waiting room.
Fine.
Sam?
Maurey?
Let's go!
Woman: Maurey...
Maurey!
Lydia: Laurabel Pierce and Coach Stebbins?
Puts a new meaning into Welcome Wagon.
Daddy.
Oh, sweetheart.
How could Maurey and her mom have an abortion at the same time?
Only one clinic doing them for hundreds of miles
and then only on Saturdays.
I bet there never was a bridge club in Idaho Falls.
While daddy's up at the ranch taking care of the horses,
Mom's naked with Howard Stebbins
sticking his greasy thing in her.
I hate mothers.
Lydia: Sure you don't want to come home with us?
Maurey: I have to fix Pete his supper.
Mom might not make it home until late.
Sam...
she's barefoot.
Oh.
I'll see you tomorrow.
Are we gonna keep the baby?
I can't think about that now.
Okay.
# These foolish tears #
# I'm cryin' over you #
# This foolish heart... #
What's the matter with you?
I deserve some fun tonight.
Raising kids is a lot of responsibility.
How would you know?
Well what does that infer?
I didn't know she would get pregnant.
I've just about had it with your judgmental attitude.
Those kids were 14...
and you taught them sex games.
Your father is right...
Sam couldn't be worse off in a military school.
You finished with that?
Come on, Dougie, dance with me.
( door opening )
Lydia: Come on, Dougie.
( tires squealing )
Who do you have to fuck in this joint to get a cup of coffee?
I heard Hank's truck last night.
He knows what you were doing.
So shoot me.
Come on in.
Well, are you going to have the baby?
I guess so.
Really?
Why are you so happy?
I don't know, I guess I'm just ready to be a father.
Mornin', ladies.
( tires squealing )
What's Hank doing?
Dot: What's that he's got?
That's our moose.
He's drunker than a skunk.
Hank doesn't drink.
Maybe he's sick.
Oh, shit.
Diners: What is that about? Have you lost your mind?
Hey, buttface.
Don't call me buttface.
Maurey's pregnant. You could have hurt her.
You're mother's a whore.
That still doesn't give you the right to hurt Maurey.
I'm sorry.
But your mother is still a whore.
You okay?
Another pitiful man put his hopes on you and you took him down.
Fuck you, Sam.
Fuck you too, Mom.
Sam: Your parents have a really nice ranch.
Thanks.
Are you sure you should be doing that?
Dad says I was born on a horse.
Come on!
You want me to get up there?
Why not, silly?
Is your dad suspicious yet?
If we were older, he'd be watching me like a coyote.
Right now his worst fear is that Lydia might give me a cigarette.
Does your mom know you're still pregnant?
Mom won't say a word.
But I can tell she's going nuts to find out.
She sneaks in my room when she thinks I'm asleep
and stares at me for hours.
It's spooky.
Maurey: Isn't being friends much better
than being girlfriend and boyfriend?
If you were my boyfriend, I'd never show you this spot.
Because we might break up, and then where would I be?
Where would you be?
Someone I don't like would know my secret.
But I still want to have sex with you.
We can't have sex now.
You're my friend.
I can't risk losing you for something as silly as sex.
I'm confused.
You bike back into town without me.
I think I'll talk to Dad.
Are you sure?
It's time.
Is there any chance you might skip the part about who the father is?
I'll try, but Lydia better lock your doors tonight.
Hi.
Lydia: Thanks, sugar.
Maurey told her dad about the baby this afternoon.
What do you think he'll do?
Buddy Pierce will brand your butt.
Are you speaking literally, or metaphorically?
Well, I'm God's gift to horses.
Yes sir...
but I accidentally squirted into your daughter
and now she's with child.
No!
( tapping on window )
Can I live here until the baby comes?
Of course.
So how did it go with your dad?
He said that I'm a slut
and he's ashamed to have me as a daughter.
You probably surprised him.
Give him a few days, he'll come around.
No, he won't.
Daddy has morals and I don't.
I'm gonna go sleep on the couch.
No--
that's too far away.
Sleep here on the floor...
in case I need you.
All your life I've tried to set an example
of how to deal with public disapproval.
It's time to show me what you've learned, honey bunny.
Students: Shh.
Student: Tsk! Tsk!
- How dare they? - Sinners.
I feel like Lee Harvey Oswald.
It's like we have the ultimate cooties.
I'll see you at lunch, sailor boy.
( sobbing )
I'm sorry I got Maurey pregnant while I was going steady with you.
( school bell ringing )
Sam.
Did she tell on me?
Tell on you?
Does her father know about-- you know...
That you and her mom shared an abortion?
No, I think she loves her dad too much
to tell him that you screwed her mom.
I haven't talked to Laurabel since the day at the clinic.
You can tell Maurey that.
So, you got her an abortion then dumped her.
Wasn't that what I was supposed to do?
How'd everybody find out?
Now that I've told Dad, it doesn't matter who else knows.
So who'd you tell?
Him.
Sammy boy, how's it shakin'?
- About the same. - Good.
We still on for Friday night?
Town Without Pity is playing at the movies.
You ought to bring Chuckette and maybe,
Saturday night, we'll go parking.
I don't know. I'll have to ask Chuckette.
You'll have to ask Chuckette...
If this boy gets any funnier they're gonna put him on TV.
How come Dothan didn't beat me up at lunch today?
He's an understanding guy
and I said I'd break up with him if he was mean to you.
Spring in Wyoming lasts all of two weeks
and is marked by mud and rampant pregnancy.
With all of nature knocked up,
Maurey and I felt right at home.
We discovered the best thing
about being ostracized by an entire town,
is that people leave you alone.
With Hank gone, Lydia was crankier than usual.
And the rising heat didn't help Maurey's mood much either.
She said being pregnant was wretched.
But to tell you the truth, it didn't bother me that much.
I'm going for a bike ride. You wanna come?
Sure.
Do you brush your teeth every day?
Yes, Mom.
And use a fresh towel after every shower.
I will.
Bye.
Sam: I can't believe we have to bring Dothan.
He's my boyfriend. You better be nice to him.
What happened to your arm?
My daddy broke it.
Why for God's sake would he do that?
Because I was mouthing off.
So he broke your arm?
I deserved it. Can we just drop it?
Dropped.
Howdy folks.
You'll be glad you came out today.
We've got a good rodeo for you here in Gro Vont.
It rained a little earlier, sun is out nice now.
Mud and fun is what rodeo is all about.
( rodeo fans cheering )
Folks, let's have a big hand for Joe Brannigan.
A big hand is all he's gonna win today.
The timed mastery of a horse
is nothing more than competitive sex...
to prove that man could subjugate anything
wild and beautiful once he gets it between his legs.
What gets me is they won a belt buckle for lasting 8 seconds.
Our next contestant in the bull-dogging competition
is Hank Elkrunner from right here in Gro Vont.
That 5.4 second ride puts Hank Elkrunner square in the lead.
I fail to see how hurling a dumb animal to the earth
makes a man the object of mass approval.
Thank you kindly, Hank.
Looks like a stud to me.
Ladies and gentlemen, if we just stay calm...
let our cowboys get in there.
We do have professionals on the scene.
Get somebody in here, he's hurt.
I might ought to see about Mom.
I'll go with you.
Announcer: It's unfortunate that these things happen...
Come on, move it.
Watch him-- Easy, easy.
Be back in a bit.
Thank you, fellas, he's gonna be fine.
Momma.
I have to clean the floor before Buddy comes home
because Buddy will be angry.
Momma, it's okay. Leave the floor until later.
No, I can't leave any tracks on the linoleum.
She's nuts. Ought to be locked up.
This is your fault.
No more than you.
You!
My baby! You killed my baby!
What's she talking about?
Mom, it's okay.
Mom!
Momma, what are you doing?
Get this off of me!
Maurey: We need to help her.
Announcer: Thank you, Hank. We appreciate it.
- No. Get away. - Easy ma'am.
Momma?
Hank: It's gonna be all right.
Buddy will still be at the hospital.
We'll follow you out there in case you need us.
Pride means nothing if you lose a good man.
Yeah.
Will someone please explain to me
what all this pride nonsense is about?
Life's too short for me to waste any of it.
I'll see you around.
Hey, you can't get away from me,
you red-skinned son of a bitch.
You think she'll get him?
Hank don't stand a chance.
Lydia: Hey, I'm your squaw damn it.
Hank, you listen to me!
( door slamming )
( laughing )
Okay!
Geronimo, baby.
Weird.
You know why women fake orgasms?
I don't give a hoot why women fake orgasms...
I'm not comfortable.
- Women fake orgasms-- - Listen to the birthday girl!
Women fake orgasms... because men fake foreplay.
Sometimes when I have a real orgasm,
I tell the man that I faked it just so he doesn't get cocky.
I hate cocky men.
My baby is going to be raised on marshmallows.
I raised Sammy on Dr. Pepper and look how he turned out.
I turned out okay.
Says who?
Ahhh!
Get him, Hank!
Get his feet, Hank.
Get the marshmallows! You're dead.
Put the marshmallows in his ear.
- Say "uncle." - No.
Hi ho Silver, away!
Maurey: Uh-oh.
Get up, Sam.
I said, get up on your feet.
Samuel, get on your feet.
This is your Sunday uniform at the Custer Military Academy.
As soon as you clear that mucky gunk out of your ear...
you'll go in the house and put it on.
- Daddy. - Be silent, girl.
We are going home now.
We will place Samuel at Custer,
then you and I will proceed onto Greensboro.
Wait a second. We can't go home.
We're having a baby.
I'm sure that little girl has a mother of her own.
My mother's in a nut house.
Be that as it may,
you made your bed and now you must lie in it.
I will not stand by and see my grandson snared by a spider.
Maurey is not a spider.
I told you to be silent!
I won't. You can't come here and ruin everything.
This is our home. These people are our family.
Family?
A floozy, a Kiowa, and a very pregnant little girl.
Which member of your new family is going to pay next month's rent?
Blackfeet.
Just exactly what is that supposed to mean?
I'm Blackfeet, not Kiowa.
I understand you live in a one room trailer.
You think she's gonna like living there
and carrying your papooses?
Daddy, you're such an asshole.
Well that could be--
When you get to the point where you can pay your way in life
you can live anywhere you want
and in any disgusting manner you want.
But, as long as I'm paying the bills,
you will do as I dictate.
Is that understood?
Go inside and put your uniform on.
Son, you don't have a lot to say about it.
I decided life was a gyp.
Why couldn't people just do what I wanted?
Maurey wasn't in love with me. Not in the right way.
If we were in love like Romeo and Juliet--
we could fight Caspar.
We could flee into the mountains, or chain ourselves to a rock.
Romeo and Juliet were 14 and no one treated them like children.
But of course, they died at the end.
Hey. How'd you get here from town?
Hank brought me.
He's at the ranch talking to Dad.
Your grandfather isn't happy with you.
I'll never put on that uniform. Never!
Yes you will.
You and Lydia are both hopeless and we all know it.
I won't leave you and the baby.
I'll hide in the mountains and live on bushes and frogs if I have to.
We made a mistake.
This baby is coming whether anybody's ready or not.
Don't be sad, Sam.
No matter how bad everything is--
you and I will have a baby.
You'll be 18 in four years, then you can come back.
Come on.
Sam: I'm gonna get you.
You're going in the water.
- Sam... - Are you okay?
I just felt the baby.
P.A.: Dr. Jenkins to labor and delivery.
Congratulations, Mr. Pierce.
You're a grandfather.
What about me?
You have a daughter.
Her name is Shannon.
That's pretty.
Can I touch her?
Okay, but be gentle. Babies aren't footballs.
Yeah, they don't travel as far when you kick them.
That's not funny, Sam.
I hope she grows up to have my looks and Dad's brains.
Well, what about me?
She'll have your heart.
It's hard to see how goo on a sock can lead to this.
Pretty cool, huh?
Yeah.
( baby cooing )
- I want to go home. - After we eat.
Whoa, I can't go in there, my grandfather will kidnap me.
You're grandfather will not kidnap you.
Yeah, he'll take me straight to Custer Military Academy.
I won't let him.
Come on.
Hi, Sam.
So, what did she name the baby?
Shannon.
Oh my God... that will never do.
My baby's name is Shannon.
Who do I have to fuck in this joint to get a cup of coffee?
Keep your pants zipped, Jack.
Mom?
Mutual trust and respect.
Always remember what our relationship is based on.
I may have a granddaughter, but I'm not 30 yet.
You can't work here, Lydia.
Watch me.
She won't last a month.
First time she breaks a fingernail she'll be coming home to daddy.
Fat chance, Daddy.
Does this mean I don't have to go to Custer?
That's right-- As long as we pay our own way
the old goat can't force us anywhere.
She'll never make the rent on tips.
- Well, Dot does. - And, I'm moving in too.
I'm selling my trailer and coming to town.
Maurey's family will help pay our rent.
Maurey's moving in?
Part time, while Buddy's up at the ranch.
Now, what can I get you fellas?
I don't have all day to chitchat with the rabble.
( baby cooing )
Sam Callahan, I want to have your baby.
We all want to have your baby.
We want you to be the dad of the new generation.
I'm sorry, I would love to father your child,
but my heart belongs to my true love.
It's not proper to have babies by more than one girl at a time.
You've broken my heart.
Be strong.
Someday you will understand the theory of one man, one baby.
I'm going into Green River after cheerleading practice...
so you'll have to handle the 6:00 feeding.
I'm the father, not the baby-sitter.
Same difference.
Now be a good baby.
Lydia will help you if you need anything.
I won't need Lydia.
- Bye. - Bye, Sam.
The future lay before Sam like the great American novel
just waiting to be written.
Lydia would marry Hank and join the Welcome Wagon.
Maurey would grow to love Sam
the way mothers are supposed to love fathers.
Shannon would grow up to be beautiful, talented
and virginal.
Sam knew the trail head would be long, steep,
and littered with horse manure.
But he was ready now.
Because somehow, someway,
the waitress, the Indian, the cheerleader
and the 15-year-old father would survive.
They were the modern American family.
( swinging surf beat )
# Do the manta ray, do the squid #
# Oh yeah, baby, like I knew you did #
# Do the mussel, baby, do the gill #
# Oh yeah, baby, I like how that feels #
# Yahoo, swim it down #
# Yahoo, check my fins out #
# Yahoo, get on your mark #
# Yahoo, let's do the shark #
# Yahoo, swim it down #
# Yahoo, check my fins out #
# Yahoo, get on your mark #
# Yahoo, let's do the shark #
# Yahoo, swim it down #
# Yahoo, check her fins out #
# Yahoo, get on your mark #
# Yahoo, let's do the shark #
# Yahoo #
# Do the macarena, do the pike #
# Now that's what it should feel like #
# Yahoo #
# Do the surf fish, my heart don't miss #
# Swimming in the sea, just you and me #
# Yahoo #
# Yahoo. #